How Overthinking is taking control?

Recently, there has been a lot of awareness going on regarding mental health and mental health issues on social media. And thanks to that awareness, I too started learning about it and started noticing patterns in my thoughts, behavior, and everything.

This morning I came to a realization. I haven’t been happy like actually happy in a month or so. I have been worrying a lot, I have been panicking over trivial things, I have been crying over things just like that.

It’s been raining since yesterday morning. Rain, its sound, the smell everything always brings peace to my mind and soul and a big smile on my face. I am the most cheerful at the time when it rains just like nature looks most joyous. I blossom like flowers when it rains. Nothing can stop me from sitting out on the balcony, listening to my favorite songs, thinking of my favorite person, reading a book with a cup of tea. Sometimes I write too sitting there on my balcony, letting every raindrop bring peace at the moment.

But today in the evening I noticed that this time it has been different. I haven’t gone out even for a moment. I sat on my bed, in my room, thinking and crying and panicking all day long. I hadn’t read a single line of any of the books. I haven’t listened to any tune, neither could I thought of those love feelings of that particular someone. I haven’t even smiled a bit. I didn’t listen to the sound of rain, I didn’t felt that peace inside. All-day was gone frowning, crying, and panicking about life.

And this is what anxiety, overthinking have done to me. I am panicking about things that I cannot control, or maybe I can but not right now. Some days I believe I should let fate do its thing and I should go with the flow, but there are days I shout, how can fate do this, be this cruel to me, I won’t let it happen and I’ll change my fate. But in between acceptance and want of change, I am stuck. I don’t know what to choose. Should I choose myself? I am just about to be 23; I have my whole life, why am I stressing this much about things that won’t matter in few months.

Overthinking, it’s like slow poison. It keeps growing under your skin and you don’t realize it until it starts showing its effects. That’s what’s has happened to me at least.  I have stopped enjoying things I used to enjoy. I don’t smile often. All I had on my face is a frown; I am scared of what is going to happen the next moment. I am so scared of life that I forgot to live in NOW. Anxiety has never felt this painful, not physically but mentally it’s been hurting a lot. I am losing my own happy, positive self and I am losing my people too.

I have been burying my soul, my dreams under the weight of responsibility and expectations of everyone. Is this what happens at this stage of life? Will I be blamed for choosing my dreams? All these thoughts have triggered the overthinking side of me and scared me more than I should be.

I don’t know if all of these have been considered as having anxiety or something else or is it normal and everyone faces the same thing, but I know one thing for sure that whatever it is; it’s not good for me. I know I am not alone, a lot of people would have been through this, and a lot is going through this.

Hopefully, we all will find the strength to make the decision we feel is the right one to make, to enjoy the present moment, and once again find ourselves in peace, in places where we are meant to be.